When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I’m listening
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*