I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
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Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven