Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
You Might Also Like
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
three things we don’t talk about
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people