Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
You Might Also Like
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.