boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
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*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
when revenge coincides with naptime
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”