One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
You Might Also Like
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year