Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
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What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Note to self: I am a note
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.