Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
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Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
They’re called werewolves.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.