me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly