Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
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[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”