Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.