Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
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Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Perfect
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.