Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
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Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
this is literally a CIA plant
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.