An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
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Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me: