My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop