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Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer