Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
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Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed