WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
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The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
this is funnier than any friends episode
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Sticker placement is key.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Don’t talk down to me
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
same energy
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season