Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
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Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
You sure about that?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
This could be us but you eatin’
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.