I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
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I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
God has abandoned us.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™