North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross