I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.