An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
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[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*