Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
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this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
12. I think about this all the damn time
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow