How to shape your eyebrows
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[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.