WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
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just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Why I divorced her.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Yoga Matt
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too