I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
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Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.