My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
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I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
selena gomez
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Seals are just dog mermaids.