I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
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I enjoy a good short stor
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve