My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
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Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Thursday Thought.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no