Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
This is my brand.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.