Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
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Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.