Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.