A drum solo but on your face.
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Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater