Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.