evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
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*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Why I divorced her.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen