I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
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I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.