if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
You Might Also Like
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms