If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
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me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.