Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Google assistant rules
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”