Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I cannot stop laughing at this
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.