Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.