If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
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Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
only 11 steps left
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My daily affirmation
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”