Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
another case of gang violins
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY