You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
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I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently