Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”