Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam