How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
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Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Practicing safe sax
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.