When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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Those are good neighbors.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If only
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.