Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Ape together strong
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.